Have you ever been disappointed in God? Like, really disappointed? Not just bummed out, but felt betrayed?
Well, that’s how I was feeling when I sat down to write this song.
I felt like a promise had been broken because I truly believe, and yet I still don’t have the deepest desire of my heart.
The desire to be a mom has been the deepest and most enduring desire of my heart.
As the oldest of four children, my first sister being just a year and a half younger, I started learning what it meant to take care of someone else about the same time I learned to walk! I loved caring for my baby dolls (all of whom I named Lexi), and, when it came to games, if we weren’t playing with dolls or barbies, I usually wanted to play “house.”
As a teenager, I never worked a fast-food restaurant or grocery store. Instead, I baby-sat and was a nanny all through high school (side note: those girls are grown now and took the pictures on my website and “Hold on to Hope” album cover – talk about feeling old! And proud!).
Even though the average age of first-time mothers in the US is 26 (up from 21 in 1972), for me, I always dreamed of being a mom by 24. At the latest.
But, here I am at 29 after four years of trying, and my arms are still empty.
I brought the first two verses of this song to a writing session with my friend Cedric Israel, and I told him I just didn’t know where to go for the rest of the song – I didn’t know what I needed to say in a chorus. Honestly, I think I was too stuck in the grief and disappointment of the first two verses. However, Cedric did know where to go because he’d walked that road already. Cedric and his wife Joy had their own experiences with infertility and were familiar with that “bump in the road” of life. It’s hard when you feel stuck between a hope and a promise. But, concerning infertility, Cedric & Joy also knew the reality of the promise – because after years of trying, God gave them a son. Cedric knew that the space between the promise and it’s fulfillment is simply the in-between.
As we sat down to write the rest of “in between,” the words just poured out. Grief and disappointment mixed with hope and trust – the emotions of the in-between.
While infertility may not be your story, I imagine you’ve found yourself in the in-between before – maybe more than once! If you’re trying to forgive someone or want to believe God is real but just can’t get past your doubt. Maybe the relationship with the one you promised to spend your life with – or thought you would – isn’t panning out the way you thought it would. I want to remind you that God works in the in between. He’s the God of both “already” and “not yet.” In fact, in that way, God himself is in the in-between – He sent Jesus to earth for the redemption of sins 2,000 years ago… and yet, our world is still full of evil and sin and hatred. But he made a promise we can’t see just yet – that He WILL come back and fulfill every promise and prophecy. That he himself will return in glory and honor and power to bring justice and set all things right. His kingdom will come in fullness one day, but right now… We wait in the in-between.
I don’t know when or if I’ll ever have biological children of my own.
But, no matter what, you’ll find me here in the in between still waiting on that promise.
And you’re welcome to sit with me.
No matter the circumstances, may you always find the will to hold on to hope, friends.